Got Guilt?

Off the Shelf:

Bradshaw On: The Family by John Bradshaw

Healing the Shame that Binds You: Recovery Classics Edition (Recovery Classics) by John Bradshaw

Sia's Post:

I believe there is such a thing as healthy shame. It's that part of us that says "Hey! Wow! .....I was way out of line there. What was I thinking? This isn't the end of the world. A person with healthy shame knows the difference between making a mistake and *being* a mistake. We need to teach our people how to deal with simple guilt and shame, how to make amends, learn from mistakes and move on. We need to help our people recover from toxic shame.

Toxic Shame:

John Bradshaw writes that we are shame-less when we think we are perfect, are controlling, seek power, see others as inferior and ourselves as superior, see ourselves as right, work excessively, criticize, blame and judge others.

He notes that we are shame-ful when we think we are a failure, get out of control, feel weak, think we are stupid, criticize and blame ourselves, behave in a way that does not honor ourselves, do not use our gifts and talents and feel inferior.

To have healthy shame is to know that we have human limits, we make mistakes,and we need help. We need to truthful about our errors and we must not idealize nor degrade other people or ourselves.

It's a Human Thing

To my mind, guilt and shame are universal in human experience, although I do recognize that some traditions, families, or faiths emphasize it more than others. For example, I know many people who were raised in Christian sects which teach that all humans are flawed or sinful from birth, and that women are responsible for all the evil in the world. On the Pagan side, I've often thought that "Do what thou wilt" is about the dumbest damn thing I've ever heard. It gives people with no ethics, common sense, or boundaries an excuse to act out and hurt others, all in the name of their practice.. I don't like the errant pomposity of "Perfect love and perfect trust", either. For one thing, perfectionism of any sort is unhealthy. For another thing, love and trust are earned. They are not something that comes automatically just because one joins a group.

I had an interesting talk with a Pagan friend the other day. She was raised in a Jewish tradition, and I was raised in a Christian sect, and we have been practicing Pagans for many years. We both think that Paganism would be a lot better off if it had a better understanding of (and some helpful teachings for), the basic humanistic ideas embedded in the Abrahamic faiths; ideas like charity, forgiveness and atonement, teachings which we received as children in those faiths, and have used to enhance our spiritual practice as Pagan adults.

It's never just black or white, is it?

Sia

Art: This is a postcard in my collection (circa 1930's) titled Revenge in the Harem. There are some days when even chocolate won't help, when murder and mayhem look like the only realistic options* in a world gone mad. Which is why I meditate.

* Here, for example. Why has she killed the other woman? Won't don't they band together and take out the guy who put them there in the first place? Come on, girls, liberate the palace, free the male and female slaves, and do a little redecorating while you're at it. (Seriously, people, new drapes can do wonders). With a just a little bit of cooperation, we can make a whole new world.

Pagans with Skills

Friends of mine are opening a store in San Jose. I sent out a letter to my Crafty Pagans List today about that. I used the kind of key words and phrases that Organizers use when telling others, "Hey! These are Pagans with skills, and they do what they say they will do. You can trust them". Such key words tell those receiving my letter that these are not the gods-awful flaky Pagan types we see so often. Those of us who have been burned by circling or working with that kind are understandably wary of meeting any more. But these folks are different. So, I wanted the List to know that.

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To: Da List

Some friends of mine are opening up a new knitting/fiber store, with classes, in the San Jose area. Some of you will know Sandy, Kevin & Kaye, et al, from various charity events and other community projects we've organized via Full Circle, as they were often a part of our senior volunteer staff. I've worked with them for over five years now, and they are organized, friendly, hard working and creative. They have the knowledge, work ethics and people skills needed for a project of this kind and I believe that it will be a great success. Sandy is a excellent teacher and I'm sure that she will attract others just like her to the new store, and that they will create a wonderful, fun space for creative folks, both at their real world site and in their Yahoo group. Check it out. Here is the link to their blog about the store. http://www.purlescence.typepad.com/

For those of you who live elsewhere, you might like their Yahoo group. A link to that is at their blog.

Please spread the word, if you can.

FYI: The store is currently under construction

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Recently, a different Pagan, but someone equally talented and capable, asked me how to find other Pagans with real world skills for her projects. I told her to read the book "Cultural Creatives", write down the phrases and key words that describe such people, and to use those terms when describing her own events and her bio and when writing any announcements for openings. She also needs to use these magic words in any job descriptions and training manuals (yes, Virginia, we do need to use those) for volunteers, teachers or staff. Then I said, "Make sure that you live up to these words!"

All this is really just folk wisdom, summed in a phrase most of us know well:

"Birds of a feather, flock together"

Other Pagan Doers will be drawn to these magic words, like songbirds to a tree, because they know the tune their own kind sings when they hear it.

Sia

Working In The Wider World - Ordinary Pagans

Anne Hill has tackled the core issues with Reclaiming (and many other groups) head-on. In her post, she spoke to the work of Ordinary Pagans and the future we are building together, without using that specific term. (1)

Anne wrote:

...at this point, the best thing we can do is to take these skills and use them in the world at large. Figure out how to translate them into our jobs, our child raising, our interactions with the non-Pagan world.......the more our networks are made up of genuine friendships, people who trust each other, listen to each other and like working together, the more genuine people we will attract who may come to share our values.

Snakemoon, another thoughtful Pagan, put it this way:

Experience all things as sacred. Treat the Mother's living body with awe and respect. Lovingly create altars of gratitude and joy. Continually seek transformation though trance, spell work, music, and dance. Work magic; the act of changing consciousness at will, to change my state of being, and my state of mind. Seek enlightenment and transcendent knowing but seek also what my friend Cerridwen calls "endarkenment", the wisdom of one's own unconscious mind because in truth, only the shadow does know.

She goes on to say:

Work straightforward magic every day, with little fuss or ado, just because it needs to be done. Work magic at home, in the yard, in the car, in the office. Work alone, with lovers, children, friends, family, pets, and even strangers. Work through grief and fear and loss, and also work magic to celebrate, to thank, or simply to delight. Invoke and create new insights, new jobs, new homes, new loves, and new lives."

To my mind, Ordinary Pagans are people who have homes, jobs, friends, and families. They also have very rich lives outside of the Pagan scene.

As Snakemoon notes, these people walk between worlds. Sometimes they work as professionals or are active in local charity efforts, local schools, or interfaith projects. No matter what they do for a living, they are not afraid of responsibility and their lives are not full or chaos, drama and trauma. Ordinary Pagans bring concentration, professional, "can do" attitudes, dedication and, standards, to this practice. There are more of them then anyone realizes.

The term includes those who are joined in polyamorous families, many who are involved in the arts, people who are active in the leather and tattoo communities, as well as those who teach tarot and practice other magickal or creative arts. It also includes lawyers, doctors, teachers, technophiles, librarians, soldiers, police officers and nurses. It is not so much a lifestyle, as an empowered, creative, and capable state of mind. These are people you can count on.

Someone once asked me what I look for when I meet other people. This was my answer:

I look for people who who are working on their "stuff" because I won't work to work with those who are willfully unconscious or addicted to being victims. I like to have fun, and I need to be to be around people who can have fun without hurting themselves or others. I don't need my friends and colleagues to be perfect, but I do need them to be on a path, any path, spritual or not, and to be working that path towards growth, just as I am.

As I've said before, the people I want to know need to care about something other than themselves. After much searching, I've found a good number of functional, healthy, happy, creative Pagans and others I can work with. Many of them are active in charity projects, volunteer work or interfaith work. It took me 10 years to find some of those folks, and I had to meet a hundred Pagan people for every one I actually wanted to know better. Is this group of people unusually powerful or wyrdly elite? Nope. Neither am I (and bless these folks for putting up with my many imperfections). But they are funny, and smart, balanced and thoughtful, well read and honest. Each of them is committed to becoming the best person they can be, without excuses. They are brave and inquisitive and and strong minded, and they call me on my sh**t. I love being around them. I'm a better person for knowing them, and I like to think that they are better for knowing me. Maybe the best way to say it is this: We celebrate each other with respect and love much in the same ways that we celebrate the Goddess....and we get things done.

Sia


(1) I like this term because it is such a lovely and amusing paradox. I agree with Carolyn Myss when she calls paradox, "the language of the divine". I believe that the Goddess speaks truths to us in paradox, and lets us tease out the meanings for ourselves.