Great celebration yesterday. Much fun was had.
The altars are now cleansed, renewed and ready for Imbolc. The Full Circle altar is "resting" and has been since Samhain. Normally it sits on top broad, fat circular stone, which itself sits on top of a short file cabinet in this office, next to a sunny window. The window has a view of a garden and a hanging bird feeder attached to a porch. When I took down our FCE altar I put two cat baskets on top of the stone. The altar is now guarded 24/7 by at least one of our four cats. If purring can be a form of prayer (and why not? I'm sure Bast loves it) or better yet, a kind of chant (Chat Chant?) then our altar is well cared for. It certainly is peaceful. I should have done this years ago.
As I write this our oldest cat, Xoche, a pretty grey and white feline duchess, is lounging on some fleece in one of the baskets, blinking and basking in the sunlight. The warmth is good for her arthritis, and she is within easy petting distance, which is nice for me. (Stuck for a word? Pet a cat - it does you both a lot of good.) Xoche is pretending not to notice the flurry of birds at the feeder just outside. At 16 years old she sees avian activity as more a form of furry television then any kind of real challenge to her hunting skills. Fair enough. She's earned her rest.
The February newsletter is up. It includes my annual essay for the Lunar New Year. 2006 is the Year of the Dog.
That essay was bloody hard going. These lunar essays always involve a lot of shaman work before, during and after. When I'm ready, I start writing. Sometimes the process is easy and fluid and I just go with the flow. Sometimes I have to listen really hard. When that happens, I just sit and stare at the screen until it comes to me. This year the essay involved both kinds of writing. Some of the information was coming in at the last minute. Other bits had simmered in the cauldron of my subconscious for several months. At some point both mind and heart are ready and someone (Bridgid?) yells "Soups on!". I started writing this at eight am one morning and didn't finish until seven that same night.
It was the weekend. My husband, bless him, tiptoed around the house the whole day. When I finally came out of my office, he said "Hi, you need to eat." and he fed me. I love that man, I really, really do.
We posted it to the website that night...and promptly had problems. I was too exhausted to deal with it just then but we fixed it this morning. Or rather, he fixed it this morning. He is my Web God. (Now if he could just fix my ponderous prose...)
It occurs to me that I've written an entire essay on dogs, without once mentioning coyote. (What was I thinking?) Now that the Trickster God has my attention (and allowed us to fix the glitch), I will post a friendly nod to him by tonight.
There are other changes to make (extensive cutting, for one thing) before this can be an essay for Vox but that ain't happe'n today. I'm off work today (the plumbers are here to do repairs) and the dog knows it. He wants his well deserved walk, which he will get, once the crew breaks for lunch. The rest of the day will be spent as far from the computer as I can get.
Sia
Happy Year of the Dog. It's going to be a good one.
Addendum: The newsletter went up the Sunday night before Imbolc (celebrated). On the morning of Feb 2nd I made further changes. On reflection, I saw that I had been so involved in the shamanic aspects of this piece that I had let the tone slip. I had been a bit too hard on both Fitzgerald and undergraduates. It was a case of ducks/barrel - way too easy - very bad form. Not the sort of thing Bridgid likes at all. So this morning I changed it. The essay is still too long (they're always too long) but now, at least, it's in tune.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
PantheaCon
We're getting ready for PantheaCon.
Someone asked me today why we still go to this convention, given all the posturing and posing that goes on there. I thought about that. This is my answer:
* PantheaCon is put on by the Pagan community for the community. Hundreds of good, otherwise busy and very talented people work very, very hard to make this convention happen and they do a pretty darn good job of it, overall. (The logistics alone are frankly boggling, and my witches' hat is off to them for organizing this event and keeping us all safe in the process). I believe we should support events like that.
* Yes, we do meet a wide variety of Pagan types, there, and some of them are creepy or anonying, but I go in order to find the "Ordinary Pagans"; the ones with some common sense. Every year, I'm glad I went because I've meet some great people I might not have met otherwise.
* Some of the rituals, drumming circles and dances are great. Our people put a lot of work, imagination and love into creating these events and PantheaCon is a lot of fun. One has to be willing to find that fun, but it's worth it when you do. (1)
* We get the latest gossip. Granted, they no longer have as many Problem Children there as they once did, but many of that sort still come. Given what we do, we need to know who these are. For us as individuals the Pagan festivals and conventions are where we find True Tribe. For those of us who are organizers, these events are where we go in order learn just who we want to avoid. (2)
PantheaCon now takes place in Silicon Valley and the people who come need to be able to do real world things (like plan ahead) in order to get there. As a result, we meet a few more professional Pagans every year, along with Pagan parents (and some great Pagan kids), Pagans-with-jobs-and-life-skills, (Yes, Virginia, they do exist) and those brave, funny, good-in-a-pinch Pagans who are in recovery. These are great people and the very sort we're looking for. More of this kind of Pagan attend every year, which makes for a nice change.
* I get to take some interesting and well run workshops. To be honest, I'm not thrilled with the Program these days but I still find one or two things worth attending. My Inner Critic has just reminded me that I live in a glass house. I will be offering a workshop this year, as well. It's nothing fancy, just a simple slide show on Ephesus. I'll use pictures from our vacation in Turkey with some notes on the ancient city of Artemis. (She's still there, by the way - you can feel her, and Isis, too, when you walk among those stones). Our last Witch's Ball used the theme of The Silk Road; belly dancers, camels, mongol traders and all. This is a period in history I love, so I was thrilled to spend the day walking around Ephasus, and then be able to stop in the port city of Kusdasi and sip tea in a 16th Turkish century caravanserai. I fell deeply in love with both Turkey and Croatia last year and I hope to go back again soon. (This year, we are traveling in Norway, Denmark and Russia. If the slide presentation goes well, I may do another one in 2007.)
* I network like mad at this things, as do the other Full Circle staff. We give the newcomers contact information for our Networking Coordinator and various staff as well as links to our FCE Calendar and Newsletter so that they can find other people with sense, and avoid the loonies. We all know how lonely it can be out there, especially for the Solitaries. New people tend to come into Paganism all wide eyed and hopeful and they can quickly be disheartened. By offering guidance to good sites, books, groups and teachers, we can give them some support along their path.
* I get to see all the new books at the book stalls and talk to the Book Sellers. The Book Sellers in their turn, make some very good money from me, so it's a win/win.
* I see friends there who I don't get to see at other times. It took me 15 years to find some of these Pagan friends, and I cherish them for their wit and wisdom. This is one reason why I feel for the newcomers, who, if they are healthy, are just beginning to wonder "Is there anyone here I can relate to?"
* I've been Vending there since '96, and I enjoy it. Pagan Vendors are a great group, overall. They see the best and the worst of our people (which makes them more clear eyed than most), they work hard, they know how to laugh, and they appreciate Pagan culture. The ones who are good with money (and not all of them are) understand prosperity in very real world terms. If working in retail teaches us anything, it is that markets can change overnight, and those of us who make a living (or even a side living) this way understand the nature of gratitude and true abundance. Also, the traveling Vendors experience Pagan groups inside and outside the state in ways that I do not and I learn a lot from talking to them. Furthermore, my business partner Magpy and I use this venue to offer some great close out sales and some unusual finds to our folks. This makes people happy and clears out the inventory at the store. (3)
The Vendor room is run on a professional level by Thalassa (Blessed be her name) and her sexy, efficient, experienced crew, so it's an easy gig among my own people.
* My booth is always next to the booth owned by my buddy Anne Hill at Serpentine Music. What can I saw about Anne? She is just the best gal I know. She's a devoted and excellent mom, a savvy business woman and a practical, ethical Witch. She is also creative, empowered, funny and compassionate. Anne is the co-author of Circle Round and Sing, and the founder of the Gnosis Cafe Dream Studio, and she writes the most wonderful Blog.
I'm a practical Witch so, for me, it's the best of all worlds.
The only thing that will get in the way this year, will be the house hunt. We are moving out of state in two months. If things get hairy - or I have to suddenly go out of town - I might have to cancel the workshop.
Sia
(1) After years of requests, pleading and begging from their supporters the PantheaCon crew has finally:
a. Put the damn program on-line and
b. Offered it to us in a timely manner.
In the old days, no one knew what the program was until they got there, which made it very hard on people who could only attend for one day, and who wanted to know what classes and rituals were being offered in advance so that they could choose which day to go. When the organizers finally got the Program online, they would wait till the very last minute to post it, which made it hard on those of us who were trying to give them a hand and promote the bloody thing. After all, why should people be excited about a convention if they don't know what's going on?
Well, they have it on-line, now, but it's a bugger to read. Why is it that in all of Silicon Valley and the Bay Area, they can't seem to find people who know how to build a user friendly website?
The offerings this year look a bit better. We'll see. I could wish they would add more flavor to the program, though. The scholarship they once offered in past years has gone way down. They do seem to try to find new voices, but it's too much of the same old stuff. At latest they aren't as sex obsessed as they have been in past years.To be fair to them, though, it goes both ways. If the Pagan community doesn't offer more interesting workshops to the Programming Committee there is little they can do.
Sadly, the organizers really suck at advertising this thing. They don't even bother with with free advertising that's available to them in print or on-line. I'm the one who had to post it at The Witches Voice, which is something I did for them months ago. Come on people! It's not hard to use things like Craig's List or get listed in the calendar section of The Wave. (I swear some of these folks are still hiding as if it were the old days...)
I'm not sure what sort of outreach they really do to try and bring in new teachers, authors and workshop leaders. It still feels very "clique-ish", old guard, hippy-dippy and clannish, overall. This has been a constant complaint for the last ten years, but that is changing bit by bit. If they really want to grow this thing (and I believe that they are actually very ambivalent about that) and support people new to Paganism (of which there are many) then they need to get out of their well meaning rut and do the work.
(2) To be fair: Every convention attracts loonies of one sort or another. I go to WorldCon every year, which has plenty of loonies sprinkled among the Fen, and I've met almost as many at business and technology conventions. Wearing a suit doesn't make you sane.
(3) We closed our retail store in 2004 when my Dad got sic so we could be there for him. I left it closed after he died, as we were busy helping out my mother. I haven't decided if we will re-open it or not.
Someone asked me today why we still go to this convention, given all the posturing and posing that goes on there. I thought about that. This is my answer:
* PantheaCon is put on by the Pagan community for the community. Hundreds of good, otherwise busy and very talented people work very, very hard to make this convention happen and they do a pretty darn good job of it, overall. (The logistics alone are frankly boggling, and my witches' hat is off to them for organizing this event and keeping us all safe in the process). I believe we should support events like that.
* Yes, we do meet a wide variety of Pagan types, there, and some of them are creepy or anonying, but I go in order to find the "Ordinary Pagans"; the ones with some common sense. Every year, I'm glad I went because I've meet some great people I might not have met otherwise.
* Some of the rituals, drumming circles and dances are great. Our people put a lot of work, imagination and love into creating these events and PantheaCon is a lot of fun. One has to be willing to find that fun, but it's worth it when you do. (1)
* We get the latest gossip. Granted, they no longer have as many Problem Children there as they once did, but many of that sort still come. Given what we do, we need to know who these are. For us as individuals the Pagan festivals and conventions are where we find True Tribe. For those of us who are organizers, these events are where we go in order learn just who we want to avoid. (2)
PantheaCon now takes place in Silicon Valley and the people who come need to be able to do real world things (like plan ahead) in order to get there. As a result, we meet a few more professional Pagans every year, along with Pagan parents (and some great Pagan kids), Pagans-with-jobs-and-life-skills, (Yes, Virginia, they do exist) and those brave, funny, good-in-a-pinch Pagans who are in recovery. These are great people and the very sort we're looking for. More of this kind of Pagan attend every year, which makes for a nice change.
* I get to take some interesting and well run workshops. To be honest, I'm not thrilled with the Program these days but I still find one or two things worth attending. My Inner Critic has just reminded me that I live in a glass house
* I network like mad at this things, as do the other Full Circle staff. We give the newcomers contact information for our Networking Coordinator and various staff as well as links to our FCE Calendar and Newsletter so that they can find other people with sense, and avoid the loonies. We all know how lonely it can be out there, especially for the Solitaries. New people tend to come into Paganism all wide eyed and hopeful and they can quickly be disheartened. By offering guidance to good sites, books, groups and teachers, we can give them some support along their path.
* I get to see all the new books at the book stalls and talk to the Book Sellers. The Book Sellers in their turn, make some very good money from me, so it's a win/win.
* I see friends there who I don't get to see at other times. It took me 15 years to find some of these Pagan friends, and I cherish them for their wit and wisdom. This is one reason why I feel for the newcomers, who, if they are healthy, are just beginning to wonder "Is there anyone here I can relate to?"
* I've been Vending there since '96, and I enjoy it. Pagan Vendors are a great group, overall. They see the best and the worst of our people (which makes them more clear eyed than most), they work hard, they know how to laugh, and they appreciate Pagan culture. The ones who are good with money (and not all of them are) understand prosperity in very real world terms. If working in retail teaches us anything, it is that markets can change overnight, and those of us who make a living (or even a side living) this way understand the nature of gratitude and true abundance. Also, the traveling Vendors experience Pagan groups inside and outside the state in ways that I do not and I learn a lot from talking to them. Furthermore, my business partner Magpy and I use this venue to offer some great close out sales and some unusual finds to our folks. This makes people happy and clears out the inventory at the store. (3)
The Vendor room is run on a professional level by Thalassa (Blessed be her name) and her sexy, efficient, experienced crew, so it's an easy gig among my own people.
* My booth is always next to the booth owned by my buddy Anne Hill at Serpentine Music. What can I saw about Anne? She is just the best gal I know. She's a devoted and excellent mom, a savvy business woman and a practical, ethical Witch. She is also creative, empowered, funny and compassionate. Anne is the co-author of Circle Round and Sing, and the founder of the Gnosis Cafe Dream Studio, and she writes the most wonderful Blog.
I'm a practical Witch so, for me, it's the best of all worlds.
The only thing that will get in the way this year, will be the house hunt. We are moving out of state in two months. If things get hairy - or I have to suddenly go out of town - I might have to cancel the workshop.
Sia
(1) After years of requests, pleading and begging from their supporters the PantheaCon crew has finally:
a. Put the damn program on-line and
b. Offered it to us in a timely manner.
In the old days, no one knew what the program was until they got there, which made it very hard on people who could only attend for one day, and who wanted to know what classes and rituals were being offered in advance so that they could choose which day to go. When the organizers finally got the Program online, they would wait till the very last minute to post it, which made it hard on those of us who were trying to give them a hand and promote the bloody thing. After all, why should people be excited about a convention if they don't know what's going on?
Well, they have it on-line, now, but it's a bugger to read. Why is it that in all of Silicon Valley and the Bay Area, they can't seem to find people who know how to build a user friendly website?
The offerings this year look a bit better. We'll see. I could wish they would add more flavor to the program, though. The scholarship they once offered in past years has gone way down. They do seem to try to find new voices, but it's too much of the same old stuff. At latest they aren't as sex obsessed as they have been in past years.
Sadly, the organizers really suck at advertising this thing. They don't even bother with with free advertising that's available to them in print or on-line. I'm the one who had to post it at The Witches Voice, which is something I did for them months ago. Come on people! It's not hard to use things like Craig's List or get listed in the calendar section of The Wave. (I swear some of these folks are still hiding as if it were the old days...)
I'm not sure what sort of outreach they really do to try and bring in new teachers, authors and workshop leaders. It still feels very "clique-ish", old guard, hippy-dippy and clannish, overall. This has been a constant complaint for the last ten years, but that is changing bit by bit. If they really want to grow this thing (and I believe that they are actually very ambivalent about that) and support people new to Paganism (of which there are many) then they need to get out of their well meaning rut and do the work.
(2) To be fair: Every convention attracts loonies of one sort or another. I go to WorldCon every year, which has plenty of loonies sprinkled among the Fen, and I've met almost as many at business and technology conventions. Wearing a suit doesn't make you sane.
(3) We closed our retail store in 2004 when my Dad got sic so we could be there for him. I left it closed after he died, as we were busy helping out my mother. I haven't decided if we will re-open it or not.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Conflict in Covens
A Coven Priestess had problems with a newcomer which greatly disrupted her group. She recently wrote to me requesting some advice on this subject. I quote part of her email here:
....A year ago, we admitted a novice into our group who has caused so many troubles in her 13 moons. We were once a very stable group and now we are preparing a meeting to discuss the future- if any- remains. She is exactly as you describe in your article on Lost Children.
Note: She is referring to information in those articles titled "It's A Mystery": Part I (Dysfunctional Behavior) and II (Healthy Groups & Individuals)
I am at a loss. In the two groups that I have run (this being the second) , never before has this type of situation arisen. Can you offer any guidance on how to deal with this situation?
As is happens I'm working on an article on conflict in covens, so I took time out today and wrote to her. (I would have answered her in any case, but she walked into the clearing just as I'm building a bonfire for this ritual, so I poured a libation to the Goddess of Serendipity and took that morning to make my reply):
-------------
Hi ---, Sia here :-)
Thank you for the nice note. I'm glad that you liked the articles and that you found them helpful. To answer your query: Most Pagans come from dysfunctional families, so if you want to know what happened read about those. Start with "John Bradshaw On the Family".
Do you come from such a family, yourself? If so, now you know why this girl was sent to you. She is a "difficult gift"; one meant to shake things up and let people take a look at what works for them and what doesn't. In my experience, a Goddess, (Kuan Yin perhaps?) sends these lessons to people she feels are ready to move forward and go deeper in their practice. It's a rough compliment, but it's a compliment all the same.
Why is this Lost Child a gift? Well, It's never just about *them*, is it? - it's about the dynamic in the group - for the group to heal, this dynamic has to be addressed. The Teacher, too, has lessons to learn.
As I noted in It's A Mystery, dysfunctional groups - all dysfunctional systems - have roughly the same dynamics as dysfunctional families, so learn a bit about them, and you'll know what you're really dealing with.
This Is Important: You cannot fix or change this gal. All you can do is set firm, respectful boundaries for your group so that she cannot hurt anyone there with bad or "poor me" behavior. When she encounters these boundaries, she will either choose to grow and change her behavior or she will leave or you must ask her to leave. In some cases we ask people to go get some therapy or work in a 12 Step group or Earthwise Support Group and then return to us when they are ready. Not everyone is ready for Circle work - some of us have to get some more tools in our Life's tool box before we are ready to accept the empowerment that Paganism offers.
Now, I'm assuming that you have read both Part I and II and the attached articles, as well, yes?. If not, I suggest that you do so now. Pay special attention to Wren's article on Pagans and Self Actualization. More will then become clear (she said hopefully). Without further details and no knowledge of your group, I can only give general suggestions, but I will do my best. I'm not an expert, nor am I always right, so take what you need and leave the rest :-)
First, it helps to start out with - or renew/establish - clear guidelines, boundaries, and standards for your group, standards which everyone knows and understands. For example:
1. This is what we expect from our members,
2. This is what we don't want in our group" (gossip, acting out, etc.).
Say to your members. "If you circle with us, you agree to abide by those standards". (I've noted a list of what healthy groups do in these articles, which I think will be helpful to you in future. Take such a list to your group and vote to include whatever works for you).
Then, set consequences for bad behavior (missing too many circles, coming unprepared, disrespectful coven mates, etc.), let everyone know what your boundaries are and follow through :-) Easy for me to say, huh? Hard for you to do. Do it anyway.
It's a good idea to have a group vote (or have your Council decide) on fair and appropriate consequences, as a body, so that you have some support when you need to enforce same. Everyone needs to be on the same page and issues that are kept secret or silent will hurt the group. But before you tackle these issues head on, establish rules for fighting fair or things will get out of hand. Before you engage in any conflict resolution or negotiation, consider these questions and make sure that your own skills are up to par.
If you wish to continue as a leader/teacher, please read these books:"Positive Discipline" and "Raising Self Reliant Children in a Self Indulgent World" - I'm not kidding. With a little mental tweaking, the advice in here works equally well with adult groups. (Frankly, taking a few "Time Outs" in some cases would not be a bad idea) As a former teacher, I can say that these are the best books I've found on running groups. These writers treat people fairly, firmly and with respect for their potential and their ability to grow and change, and their suggestions will keep things running smoothly. The writers offer common sense, real world techniques which will help you avoid the classic pitfalls: Becoming either a Doormat or a Nazi. These suggestions work with teaching gang kids in L.A., with boards of Directors, and in running Pagan groups. I know because I've used their ideas successfully in all three situations.
Do you drive? If so, get these books on tape and turn your car into your college. You'll never get so mad at traffic again.
By the way; how are *your* boundaries? If you need some help here (and don't we all?) read "Codependent No More". Google topics such as "Control Issues" and "Patterns of Codependence." Odds are that some people in the group have these issues. Bradshaw talks about these topics in detail, as well, which is another reason why I recommend his books.
Part I of my article has a section titled "What to look for in groups and teachers". Your group make want to make a list of what to look for in new members. Read also "Spiritual Mentoring" and "Antagonists In the Church". The first book discusses healthy relationships between student and teacher. The second book has suggestions on what to do about the "Problem Children". These people find their way into any and all spiritual groups and they can do great harm if they are not handled with compassion, firmness and wisdom.
Now comes the fun part: You get to ask: What was it about *us* that drew her to us, and why was she able to cause so many problems for such a long period of time? Books like "Dealing with Difficult People" and information on codependency and fighting fair will help you here. (Part II: Healthy Groups and Individuals) has a book list at the end which may be helpful here. So will groups like our on-line Spiral Steps group. (or any 12 step group in your area that deals with codependency and/or adult children of alcoholics).
Consider the boundaries of the group. Ask yourself:
1. Are these healthy boundaries? If not, why not?
2. Given what we've learned from this experience, what boundaries would be useful now?
Forget what "should be" and look at what is. Now change what you have to change to make things work. The attached articles in Part II on The Shadow Knows, and The Bard and the Poser will be helpful for identifying these problems in future. Send out the links just as a share among the Circle, and then stand back and see what happens :-)
Question: What are you going to do about the people in your group who won't face their character challenges, are addicted to their pain or who choose not to grow? Read: "Why People Don't Heal and How They Can". Know that you can't fix or change them (you don't have that kind of power). You can only set your own boundaries, and work on yourself and your growth. You are welcome to join our Spiral Steps group where we discuss this sort of thing in detail. Please note, the emphasis is on our own recovery. This is an anonymous group, and we use "I messages" and do not cross talk (i.e. give advice or judge one another's shares as either good or bad). You come in here to work on yourself or not at all.
To be honest, if it were me, I'd keep those people I trusted and knew that I could work with, release the rest (with respect) and begin the Circle anew. Bless the ones you let go, give them some useful information for their path. I recommend that you do a private ritual, offer up a prayer, or light a candle for their Highest Good. Forgive yourself and them, learn the lesson and move on. Not everyone is True Tribe, remember? You need to find your's and so do they.
Remember too, that "The only constant in life is change." Don't beat yourself up - this happens in groups all the time. It's the nature of things: growth, destruction, renewal, regrowth. The important thing is to learn from this and move forward bearing new strength and wisdom. The worst thing a leader does is to mistake numbers for strength. Wise leaders know that "Vitality is mightier than size."
Finally: Girl, you've had a *hard time* and you need to laugh. Read: Wyrd Sisters, Witches Abroad, Lords and Ladies, Masquerade. Carpe Jugulum- all by Terry Pratchett. He has also written outstanding Witch Books for kids titled Wee Free Men & Hat Full of Sky. Most people write what they think we Witches do. Terry knows what Witches are for. He sneaks very deep Pagan teaching in amongst the jokes, and for that reason, I use his books in most of my workshops and circles.
Now, I've just blathered on and on and on - aren't you nice to listen :-) Think about this for a bit, and then, if you have time, write to me and tell me what was actually useful to you here. I'm writing an article on Conflict in Covens and I'll include these notes in my next article (without naming names or Circles, of course).
All good things,
Sia Vogel
P.S. All the books I list here also come in CD and tape formats. I like to listen to these while I do housework. It's geeky but effective.
....A year ago, we admitted a novice into our group who has caused so many troubles in her 13 moons. We were once a very stable group and now we are preparing a meeting to discuss the future- if any- remains. She is exactly as you describe in your article on Lost Children.
Note: She is referring to information in those articles titled "It's A Mystery": Part I (Dysfunctional Behavior) and II (Healthy Groups & Individuals)
I am at a loss. In the two groups that I have run (this being the second) , never before has this type of situation arisen. Can you offer any guidance on how to deal with this situation?
As is happens I'm working on an article on conflict in covens, so I took time out today and wrote to her. (I would have answered her in any case, but she walked into the clearing just as I'm building a bonfire for this ritual, so I poured a libation to the Goddess of Serendipity and took that morning to make my reply):
-------------
Hi ---, Sia here :-)
Thank you for the nice note. I'm glad that you liked the articles and that you found them helpful. To answer your query: Most Pagans come from dysfunctional families, so if you want to know what happened read about those. Start with "John Bradshaw On the Family".
Do you come from such a family, yourself? If so, now you know why this girl was sent to you. She is a "difficult gift"; one meant to shake things up and let people take a look at what works for them and what doesn't. In my experience, a Goddess, (Kuan Yin perhaps?) sends these lessons to people she feels are ready to move forward and go deeper in their practice. It's a rough compliment, but it's a compliment all the same.
Why is this Lost Child a gift? Well, It's never just about *them*, is it? - it's about the dynamic in the group - for the group to heal, this dynamic has to be addressed. The Teacher, too, has lessons to learn.
As I noted in It's A Mystery, dysfunctional groups - all dysfunctional systems - have roughly the same dynamics as dysfunctional families, so learn a bit about them, and you'll know what you're really dealing with.
This Is Important: You cannot fix or change this gal. All you can do is set firm, respectful boundaries for your group so that she cannot hurt anyone there with bad or "poor me" behavior. When she encounters these boundaries, she will either choose to grow and change her behavior or she will leave or you must ask her to leave. In some cases we ask people to go get some therapy or work in a 12 Step group or Earthwise Support Group and then return to us when they are ready. Not everyone is ready for Circle work - some of us have to get some more tools in our Life's tool box before we are ready to accept the empowerment that Paganism offers.
Now, I'm assuming that you have read both Part I and II and the attached articles, as well, yes?. If not, I suggest that you do so now. Pay special attention to Wren's article on Pagans and Self Actualization. More will then become clear (she said hopefully). Without further details and no knowledge of your group, I can only give general suggestions, but I will do my best. I'm not an expert, nor am I always right, so take what you need and leave the rest :-)
First, it helps to start out with - or renew/establish - clear guidelines, boundaries, and standards for your group, standards which everyone knows and understands. For example:
1. This is what we expect from our members,
2. This is what we don't want in our group" (gossip, acting out, etc.).
Say to your members. "If you circle with us, you agree to abide by those standards". (I've noted a list of what healthy groups do in these articles, which I think will be helpful to you in future. Take such a list to your group and vote to include whatever works for you).
Then, set consequences for bad behavior (missing too many circles, coming unprepared, disrespectful coven mates, etc.), let everyone know what your boundaries are and follow through :-) Easy for me to say, huh? Hard for you to do. Do it anyway.
It's a good idea to have a group vote (or have your Council decide) on fair and appropriate consequences, as a body, so that you have some support when you need to enforce same. Everyone needs to be on the same page and issues that are kept secret or silent will hurt the group. But before you tackle these issues head on, establish rules for fighting fair or things will get out of hand. Before you engage in any conflict resolution or negotiation, consider these questions and make sure that your own skills are up to par.
If you wish to continue as a leader/teacher, please read these books:"Positive Discipline" and "Raising Self Reliant Children in a Self Indulgent World" - I'm not kidding. With a little mental tweaking, the advice in here works equally well with adult groups. (Frankly, taking a few "Time Outs" in some cases would not be a bad idea
Do you drive? If so, get these books on tape and turn your car into your college. You'll never get so mad at traffic again.
By the way; how are *your* boundaries? If you need some help here (and don't we all?) read "Codependent No More". Google topics such as "Control Issues" and "Patterns of Codependence." Odds are that some people in the group have these issues. Bradshaw talks about these topics in detail, as well, which is another reason why I recommend his books.
Part I of my article has a section titled "What to look for in groups and teachers". Your group make want to make a list of what to look for in new members. Read also "Spiritual Mentoring" and "Antagonists In the Church". The first book discusses healthy relationships between student and teacher. The second book has suggestions on what to do about the "Problem Children". These people find their way into any and all spiritual groups and they can do great harm if they are not handled with compassion, firmness and wisdom.
Now comes the fun part: You get to ask: What was it about *us* that drew her to us, and why was she able to cause so many problems for such a long period of time? Books like "Dealing with Difficult People" and information on codependency and fighting fair will help you here. (Part II: Healthy Groups and Individuals) has a book list at the end which may be helpful here. So will groups like our on-line Spiral Steps group. (or any 12 step group in your area that deals with codependency and/or adult children of alcoholics).
Consider the boundaries of the group. Ask yourself:
1. Are these healthy boundaries? If not, why not?
2. Given what we've learned from this experience, what boundaries would be useful now?
Forget what "should be" and look at what is. Now change what you have to change to make things work. The attached articles in Part II on The Shadow Knows, and The Bard and the Poser will be helpful for identifying these problems in future. Send out the links just as a share among the Circle, and then stand back and see what happens :-)
Question: What are you going to do about the people in your group who won't face their character challenges, are addicted to their pain or who choose not to grow? Read: "Why People Don't Heal and How They Can". Know that you can't fix or change them (you don't have that kind of power). You can only set your own boundaries, and work on yourself and your growth. You are welcome to join our Spiral Steps group where we discuss this sort of thing in detail. Please note, the emphasis is on our own recovery. This is an anonymous group, and we use "I messages" and do not cross talk (i.e. give advice or judge one another's shares as either good or bad). You come in here to work on yourself or not at all.
To be honest, if it were me, I'd keep those people I trusted and knew that I could work with, release the rest (with respect) and begin the Circle anew. Bless the ones you let go, give them some useful information for their path. I recommend that you do a private ritual, offer up a prayer, or light a candle for their Highest Good. Forgive yourself and them, learn the lesson and move on. Not everyone is True Tribe, remember? You need to find your's and so do they.
Remember too, that "The only constant in life is change." Don't beat yourself up - this happens in groups all the time. It's the nature of things: growth, destruction, renewal, regrowth. The important thing is to learn from this and move forward bearing new strength and wisdom. The worst thing a leader does is to mistake numbers for strength. Wise leaders know that "Vitality is mightier than size."
Finally: Girl, you've had a *hard time* and you need to laugh. Read: Wyrd Sisters, Witches Abroad, Lords and Ladies, Masquerade. Carpe Jugulum- all by Terry Pratchett. He has also written outstanding Witch Books for kids titled Wee Free Men & Hat Full of Sky. Most people write what they think we Witches do. Terry knows what Witches are for. He sneaks very deep Pagan teaching in amongst the jokes, and for that reason, I use his books in most of my workshops and circles.
Now, I've just blathered on and on and on - aren't you nice to listen :-) Think about this for a bit, and then, if you have time, write to me and tell me what was actually useful to you here. I'm writing an article on Conflict in Covens and I'll include these notes in my next article (without naming names or Circles, of course).
All good things,
Sia Vogel
P.S. All the books I list here also come in CD and tape formats. I like to listen to these while I do housework. It's geeky but effective.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Sacred Sexuality
For the last several months Snakemoon and I have been discussing ideas for her provocative article on sacred sexuality. It's done at last and we've published it in the January edition of the Full Circle Newsletter. It is titled, "I'm Pagan, Ask Me About My Sex Holiday".
Just before we went to press, I added in a Publisher's Note. If you read the article, you'll see why I felt the need to do that.
It's a very good piece, overall; a nice mix of both sense and sensibility. I hope she send it to The Witches' Voice for Beltane. Snakemoon is emerging as a powerful voice in our community, in part because she loves the rhyme but still seeks the reason. I'm glad that we have been a part of her creative process - she's a great gal. I wish we had ten more just like her.
For my part, I have posted a list of Earthwise calendars and almanacs for 2006. I always have fun finding these. My two favorite are We'Moon and the Urban Almanac.
Sia
Just before we went to press, I added in a Publisher's Note. If you read the article, you'll see why I felt the need to do that.
It's a very good piece, overall; a nice mix of both sense and sensibility. I hope she send it to The Witches' Voice for Beltane. Snakemoon is emerging as a powerful voice in our community, in part because she loves the rhyme but still seeks the reason. I'm glad that we have been a part of her creative process - she's a great gal. I wish we had ten more just like her.
For my part, I have posted a list of Earthwise calendars and almanacs for 2006. I always have fun finding these. My two favorite are We'Moon and the Urban Almanac.
Sia
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