51

Today is Areon's birthday. She would have been 51.

When I look at her life, I wonder what she could have done if she had found that miracle drug. She told me when she went to the clinic that she wanted to recover from her cancer, and then move to a new state in order to be closer to her friend and Priestess; the women who helped her get sober. The friend is an former nurse and an expert dog tracker and breeder. Aaeon wanted to study dog training and work in search and rescue on her team. I can just see her doing that; being out in the woods with the dogs, helping the police solve crimes, and saving lives. It would have suited her down to the ground.

The business she started and ran so well is closed now. The beautiful big house she decorated with so much pride and the garden she tended now belong to someone else. The charities she worked with have had to manage without her, which they have done. Her husband has moved on to new things, as he should. I wish him all the best. She loved him and he loved her - they were good together.

But...she wanted to make a change, sell all the "stuff" and live more simply. Most importantly, she wanted to move her awesome personal power in a new direction. Many women feel this way at midlife. In Aeron's case, her illness had caused her to ask the questions we all ask. Questions like "Is this all?" and "What's next?", but it caused her to ask these questions years earlier and more intensly than most.

When she found her answer, it was simple. She wanted to be happier. Areon had worked so hard for others for so long, that I think she felt it was time to claim more time and attention for her own needs. I think her husband would have welcomed it, and that they could would have sold their house and business and gone on this new adventure, together. I think it would have been a great thing for them both.

I'm sorry she didn't get a chance to do all that.

I feel her presence from time to time and I believe that she is very happy now. What I sense in her now is a feeling of deep play and fullfillment. Selfishly, I wish that she could have found those riches in this lifetime, here with us. So it goes.

Now I sit here, also at midlife, and wonder what I would want to change. No matter how much time I have, I want it to count and I want to be happy. So, I'm making changes here at FCE; changes that suit me and that suit the times we now find ourselves in. I haven't told anyone yet what these changes will be. I can't find the words. They'll come, eventually, but it's a struggle.

In the meantime, I think about Areon and what made her happy. In her honor, I'm going to do what makes me happy, too.

Sia