Reintegration & Reconciliation - Ancient, Spiritual, Creative & Tribal Approaches

I'm working on an article on dealing with abusers in our midst. I've looked around the web to see what others are saying, and I see too many airy-fairy, well intentioned articles on the theme of "We should all work together" that do not, in fact, offer practicle advice on how to do just that. So with that in mind, I've been reading and thinking and I've just sent this letter off to some friends (people on a short of list of what I call "Practicle Pagans") for their advice on same. Much of what is said here will be developed more fully and worked into the article.

The reading I mention below comes directly from a very interesting lunch I had the other day with Rowan Fairgrove. It was she who pointed me in the direction of child soldiers in Africa and who suggest the use of the term "reintegration".

Sia

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Dear ---,

I have been doing some reading on child soldiers, specifically how groups like Unicef are working to reintegrate them back into society, a process made more difficult by the fact that the village life they knew before often no longer exists. I started this reading when I wondered how Pagans - who have no formal concept of either forgiveness and reconciliation - deal with abusers in their midst. This is made even more difficult as we have no community, agreed upon doctrine, or governing bodies, and too few functional, working clans or tribes. Often as not, we Pagans did not grow up with healthy models of dealing with conflict, and many tend to avoid it, overall. What I teach my own students is based on the Spiral Steps, which involve making amends and seeking balance. These steps are focused (I think rightly) on the willingness of the abuser to make amends to the abused, and to come to terms with their own feelings of shame and guilt. Since this level of awareness and regret is rare in many cases, protecting against abusers who either in denial or in hiding comes down to shunning of these abusers by those previously harmed and discreet warnings by those in the know to those who need to know. Of course, the abusers can then always find another victim, which (baring a lunch mob, group coercion or the intervention of a canny elder) they often tend to do. Since dispensing justice is not in my power, it became interesting to me how a group of rampant individualists could choose to act to protect themselves and others when they lack the traditional hierarcharies and formats for doing same. Even as an unimportant fish in a very tiny pond, I still sometimes need to decide just what my ethical duties are in such cases, and just where I should (and should not) meddle. It was at that point my thinking moved from ideas of western justice to more traditional forms of reconciliation. (1) In any case, I thought this information on integration might also interest ....(snip rest of letter).

As always,

Sia

(1) Years ago I developed short, simple rituals for use by those who needed to speak their truth and let go to get past abuse, but who could not, for whatever reason, directly face their abusers. If you ever wish for a description of same, let me know.

ATTACHMENT:

I (This paper was useful)
Violence, Reconciliation and Identity
The Reintegration of Lord's Resistance Army Child Abductees in Northern Uganda

EXCERPT:

Rather than being a top down process taken by religious leaders, mobilising reintegration and reconciliation seems to stem from individuals and communities themselves. Its roots lie in a Christian doctrine of forgiveness, in traditional Acholi cultural beliefs around spirituality, cleansing and social healing and in a political will to move beyond the personal and cultural destruction caused by conflict.

Communities have a number of rituals, which can rid the child of the cenand restore peace to him or her. These ceremonies are intertwined with the language of forgiveness, healing and restoration. One specific ritual, referred to locally as ‘the breaking of eggs, ‘communities and youth frequently referred to is utilised to acknowledge children’s physical and spiritual absence, return and cleansing. In this ceremony, the child walks on a path and is required to step on and break some eggs. Towards the end of the ceremony, the child walks through the door of the house, at which point water is poured over his or her head. By the time the child has completed the ritual process, the broken eggs are left behind and the child emerges as cleansed. One youth who had such a ceremony performed for him described it as “You step on the eggs to make you a member of the family”.

II (This paper was also useful... and deeply disturbing)
"What About the Girls?"

Urban Tribes and Rampant Individualists

I recently had an experience with a generation gap that has caused a misunderstanding and sent me to the web to do some research on changing cultural norms.

It was a small matter, really. I sent an Evite to 7 Pagan people to join us at the opening of a new film, with dinner at a local place to follow. A younger friend received the invitation, which was for her and her partner, and then said, "Great, I'll tell my friends." I then had to tell her, "I'm sorry but I'm keeping the party small and the invitation is limited to these folks". She was deeply offended by this, claimed that I did not like her friends and so obviously did not appreciate her, and decamped in quite a huff.

Odd.

It seems that a lot of single 20 somethings are living now in urban groups, almost tribally, in fact. I've seen this way of life more and more in the last 10 years. Sociologists say this is due, in part, to a lack of positive parental presence and the failure of schools and society to offer them anything meaningful, which has caused them to make their own families out of friends. I find this very creative and familiar (most of us in my age group also had to find "true family" in other places) but I also felt that they have carried this desire for belonging well past my own personal comfort zone.

I talked to another, older friend about this to get his take on it. He thinks this has escalated because these younger folks grew up using cell phones, text messaging and handling all the latest gadgets that help us collect and connect in real time. While I love technology, I only use my cell phone for actual conversations (especially when I am traveling or want to call friends long distance). I personally dislike text messaging. I don't see the point of hanging over a little pad when I have email at home and I have to struggle just to keep up with that. Most of these text messages seem trivial, and pointed towards "Are you there?" and "Where are you?" types of communication. They contain little real information and no ideas, as far as I can tell. It reminds me of teenagers sending notes in class or wolves howling to seek out other packs. That is just fine for some but I have other ways to communicate which work much better for me.

Nor do I use Instant Messaging with my friends(which I see as adding more trivial interruptions to my day)and which threaten the firewalls we have on our computer at work and here at home. Nor do I keep a Live Journal for and with my friends as these folks all seem to love to do. (Again, this is all very creative and seems very much a case of living out loud in public ....and they called us The Me Generation).

I came of age in the mid to late 70's, an era of rampant individualism (and a great time to be female). At 47, I enjoy a wide range of friends and acquaintances, but none of us feel the need to travel in groups or be together all the time . Nor do we define ourselves as one, specific group. My friends and I are all from very different backgrounds, ages, faiths, and our interests vary, as well. These new tribes seem to focus on similarity, especially when it comes to age and race. Our generation grew up mostly segregated and when we got to college we found a multicultural campus and women's studies and had a blast. We believe that the things that make us different - the spaces between - are just as interesting as those places where we connect. We move between cultures and different interests very easily and we have different friends for sharing these interests and a much smaller selection of very close and dear friends, most of whom we've known for many years, who are by and large our equals. As for the couples, well, even if we are married, we do not always feel the need to socialize as a couple, which is very different from previous generations, which did not see women's friendships as meaningful or worth taking time for.

I have another friend I'll call H, who is 38. He is a computer gamer and loves to Role Play so he meets many more 20 something's then I do. He doesn't get this Tribal thing, either. Meanwhile, this younger gal who got so offended is 27 and she seems to live her entire life communally. Apparently, if one loves her, one has to love her friends and all their friends, as well. .....and invite them all along.*

For me, an invitation to a social outing is a like a dinner party, where the hostess will thoughtfully mix and match interesting people she thinks will enjoy each other's company. I would never dream of asking a hostess to invite 4 - 10 extra people along to a party unless I knew it was designed as a large group event or an open house, (and even then,I would ask first and not assume it was OK) but apparently here is a culture gap (especially when it comes to manners) that I wasn't fully aware of.

While I like festivals and such, I'm not a fan of any kind of enforced group-fun, group-think or (what I see as) forced socializing. Maybe it's because I pick my friends carefully and don't like extra drama and trauma (something these groups seem to have in abundance). I've never been much for groups, per se, in any case. I like my own company and enjoy time alone, as much as I enjoy time with my friends, which is another thing that seems a bit different here. As I said, I enjoy friendships with people from many different age groups, cultures, and walks of life and I see them as individuals I relate to, not as packs. Most of my peers handle friendships as I do. So this new form of social interaction was very interesting, and very foreign, to me. I'm sure there are benefits to it for them, it just doesn't appeal to me.

Ironically, this young gal is frequently at odds with various people in this group, has often felt let down by them, and has even described many of them as "parasites" because they live too much off of the abundance of her and the others among them who have jobs. They seem to define "friend" very differently then I do. (By the way, hearing her talk about them like that that hardly makes me want to know them any better.)

It's been interesting dealing with these different (and in some cases, very dysfunctional)new social forms. While I am willing to respect another person's way of living but I'm not willing to compromise my own boundaries or play hostess to a horde. Ironically, one of my friends is in a polyamorous family situation and she feels the same way about this that I do. But then, we are the same age.

So it goes.

Sia

* I see this gal's "tribe" (which has rather loose ties) as very different from the polyamorous families I know, which are committed to one another and play by different (and careful) social rules. In such a case, I would happily invite the entire polyamorous family to a party and ask for an RSVP (an sadly endangered courtesy) especially as they might wish to invite newer partners I have not yet met and would wish to include. However, with such friends, I also have the right to invite just one or two of their members to a specific event I think they might like, and I do not treat them all being the same or as joined at the hip.


Book: Urban Tribes:
A sociological examination of the pleasures of a segment of his
generation-the "yet to be marrieds" ages 25 to 39. They're the ones
who live in bohemian garrets yet feel affluent because their baby
boomer parents will probably leave them their money. They host great
New Year's Eve parties and travel en masse to the New Orleans Jazz
Festival. They're the "Burning Man" generation, drawn like lemmings
to the annual desert art festival. Demographers call them "never-
marrieds" and say they're one of the fastest-growing groups in
America. Most tellingly, in Watters's view, the habit of
establishing "urban tribes"-rotating networks of friends and
acquaintances-covers all functions formerly served by the traditional
family, thus eliminating the need for marriage and intimacy. It's
often a white, upper-middle-class, post-college phenomenon (Watters
attends a Philadelphia Cinco de Mayo celebration to which, he notes,
no Hispanics have been invited), but, finds Watters, "groups that
formed later, during the swirl of adult city life, could sometime[s]
match the remarkable diversity of those communities."

Cold Weather Thoughts

The December Newsletter is now up at our site. We've used the Yule article (Mother Wit for Yule) by request. I wrote that one a long time ago. I'm glad that people still like it.

One of my favorite links in this edition is an article on Obsidian written by a Stephanie at the Ozark Rock Exchange. I went to their on-line store a while back and noted some presents to buy from Yule. I don't do a lot of Yule shopping (see article as to why) but when I do, I like to support Pagan and/or ethical vendors.

It's tricky to stitch of these links into a readable format. Labrys did a good job here, as did Snakemoon before her.

Speaking of our folks, I spoke to a Senior Staff member on the phone yesterday who is now making the rounds of parties in the company of a charming Irishman. I've known her for over a decade and I'd have to say that she is even more beautiful in her 50's than she was in her 40's. Fulfillment will do that for a woman.

We had a good chat on what we like and don't like about holiday parties. We both prefer to be around people who drink like grownups. She drinks little and I don't drink at all, so it's not fun for us to be in a room when everyone else is three sheets to the wind. In wine drinking countries, it's considered to be very bad form to be drunk in public. My ancestors didn't have a wine culture like that. Countries like England, Scotland and Germany that could once grow wine had to stop growing grapes in the 12th century due to the radical changes in weather caused by the Little Ice Age and so they drank hard liquor and beer instead. The immigrants who came over to America in the early days came mostly from these countries and they brought their hard drinking ways with them. Sadly, they did not bring the Pub Culture, as well (except perhaps to Boston and New York). Pubs tend to be family friendly places, unlike the bars in the U.S. (It depends on the kind of pub, of course, but I prefer them to bars, overall). I have a Scottish friend who stopped drinking and smoking when she moved to California. She now has two children and her family is moving back to Glasgow to be near their kin. While she loves her home town, she dreads going back into a hard drinking, smoke filled, fry everything of culture.

Ironically, the Little Ice Age is something we may see again in my lifetime, and we may well bring it upon ourselves.

What goes around, comes around.

Sia

In Memorium

Skye has passed over. Her mother was with her. I've lost a sister and a father in the last 5 years, but even so, I just can't imagine what it must feel like to loose a child.

I performed a private ritual last night in her honor, and our thoughts are with them.